On Being Compared To Ice Cream

Day 3:
During my first year in college, I had a phase where I painted shoes reminiscent of fruit. So, in order to do this, I bought white Anchor Bay Classics from K-Mart (About $9) and acrylic paint. These are supposed to be pineapples but I don't really know if that was prosecuted well. Given that I'm [almost] done with my third year of college, I guess I've had these shoes for more than three years. I like these shoes because they encompass all qualities that I enjoy in a shoe: 1. They do not require time investment to put on 2. They are sturdy 3. Fashionable and stylish (Because I am so fashionable) and 4. They are comfortable. I like these shoes so much that I brought them to China and that is why they are so dirty. I don't really take care of my shoes so I guess I could never be one of those people who maintains those limited/special edition shoes. Because these shoes are so versatile, they are good for any occasion! I'm pretty sure I've done some great things in these shoes.

I'm getting sick of trying to pose these stupid shoes. What a dumb project.

---

On a sidenote, I was feeling a little down earlier so I called my mom . Aside from the standard mom-daughter heart to heart conversation, I had the weekly installment of advice on how I, to put it frankly, not to be a ho-bag/loose girl. It went something like this:

"You know when people eat ice-cream all the time, they will get tired of it after a while. So you have to be like a special kind of ice cream that no one can get at any time. You also shouldn't go to all the parties that you get invited to; you need to pick and choose. I mean, you can socialize but you just have to keep yourself distant. Save it for the man you will marry and love forever. "

I don't know where my mom gets this from but it is hilarious. First of all, I like how she compares me to ice cream. Second of all, I'm glad she thinks so highly of my social skills because I never get invited to parties. At least not the kind of parties where I am treated like the ice cream that everyone wants.

Although I get made fun of for the type of advice I get from my mom, I'm glad that my mom is comfortable about talking to me about these kinds of things. I know she tells me things like "Guys don't like loose girls" or actually makes reference to me and sex but it's healthy, right? I'm not a loose girl.

Does anyone else feel like eating ice cream now?

Day 2

Day 2:
I would say I bought these shoes about three years ago from Buffalo Exchange on the Ave. They looked pretty cool so I convinced myself to buy it. I do not remember how much I paid for them. Probably more than I could afford since I didn't have a job back then. I wonder how I used to afford being able to buy things before when I had no job. I don't really like wearing these for two reasons: my ankles feel constricted and they are really hard to put on. When you have an active lifestyle like I do, every moment counts. No time should be wasted trying to put shoes on! These shoes would work best if I ever was in a situation where my ankles needed to be protected.

--

For your reference, these are the questions I address when I write about my shoes:
1. When, where and how much did I buy these for?
2. Why do/do not I like wearing these shoes?
3. What kind of situation is best fitted for these shoes?

What other kinds of questions would you like me to answer when I talk about my shoes?

Nothing else for tonight. I'm tired and I hate you all (aka I hate work).

Special Project

Dear Readers,

You would think that after being awake for almost 40 hours that, by now, I'd be passed out indefinitely. Although I skipped my Anthropology class (which I did for a good reason), I probably had one of the more productive days off today. After the mess that was English and Chinese, I came home expecting to pass out for the rest of the day. Surprisingly, I woke up an hour later. I think I was falsely rejuvenated because I thought it would be a good idea to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Being in labor for an intensive 24 hours trying to produce a decent paper would seem like a deterrent from doing anything active. Even though I still felt extremely fatigued, my heightened senses caused by my delirium made me believe that I should take advantage of the beautiful weather. My walking route involved walking along 15th Ave to Volunteer Park, around the mansion district and 16th Ave and then to Victrola where I had my usual. Tim says that I'm an old lady. Why do I get made fun of for taking walks?

My camera finally manifested itself last Friday! Since then, I've been preoccupied with trying to figure out how things work. I had never used an SLR before and I'm trying to teach myself how to use this crap. I'm slowly starting to be able to understand the exposure and shutter and aperture and that other photography jargon bullshit.

What's next now that I have a camera? What kind of social statements can I make? How can I change the world?

Unfortunately, I don't think I have that kind of skill or time to solve the problems of humanity through my work.

Of the 23 pairs of shoes that I have, I wear two of them on a regular basis. If you recall, I've been considering investing in a pair of Air Force 1's. I know I'm not a modern day Imelda Marcos but no other purpose exists for why I want these shoes except for aesthetic pleasure. My mom always lectures me about forcing myself to make the distinction between "wants" and "needs". There is no argument here and I have no excuses. I obviously don't need them but my want for these shoes transcends everything!

So this is my proposal: Before I buy Air Force 1's (Or any other pair of shoes), I will have to wear all the shoes that I have at least once. By doing so, I will be distracted for at least three weeks before making this investment which will prevent me from making hasty decisions/mindless spending and also, more importantly, I will be able to get some use out of the shoes that I already have.

So you may be wondering what this has to with having a camera. Let me demonstrate-

Day 1

I'd like to say that I bought these shoes a year and a half ago. In fact, I believe Eamon was the one who bought them for me (for once). They were purchased, practically new, at Crossroads on Broadway for around $40. I don't really wear these shoes because I feel like a character in a role playing game. Something of the Final Fantasy sort. I feel like my feet look big when I wear them, which is emphasized even more by my super tight pants. They're pretty comfortable shoes. Cushioned. Adds some height. Not sure if I would say they have premium aerodynamics. I see these shoes working best, since I've mention it, if I were part of a role playing game.

--

So expect something like this for the next three weeks. Do you believe in me? Do you believe in my cause?

I need to go to bed right now. Let's hope I still feel this ambitious tomorrow. You know how I am when I work.

PS
Do you think it is ironic that I write about how I want shoes when I quote Whitman and his perspective of man's "mania" of owning things just a few hours earlier? Dangit.

Hi Dusten!

Force feeding duck style

Dear Readers,

I am finding it extremely difficult to write a paper that advocates the change I need in life but do not participate in because of the exact reasons I address. Is this confusing to you? Let me explain in quotes that I've explored-

1. I think I could turn and live awhile with the animals...
they are so placid and self-contained,
I stand and look a them sometimes half the day long.

They do not sweat and whine about their condition,
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins,
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,
Not one is dissatisfied...not one is demented with the
mania of owning things,
Not one kneels to another nor to his kind that lived
thousands of years ago,
Not one is respectable or industrious over the whole earth.

2. Leaves are not more shed from the trees or trees from the
earth than they are shed out of you.

3. I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journeywork of
the stars

-Whitman. "Leaves of Grass" (1855)

1. The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

2. Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright, he dares not say 'I think', 'I am,' but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose. These roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are; they exist with God to-day. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence.

-Emerson. "Self Reliance"

--

Those probably didn't help my cause.

I have been awake for a full 24 hours. It is almost 7am. I cannot even give a reasonable estimation of how much time I've dedicated to this paper. If it were any other assignment, words, critical arguments, perspectives and compelling evidence would have poured out like smooth diarrhea with a clean finish. Is this what college is about? I think I am developing a stress hernia. I need to study for my Chinese quiz in 3 hours.

I will probably sleep until tomorrow.

Almost forgot about this

Dear Readers,

When one is presented with a lot of work, there is nothing better than to recall the days of joy and pleasure. I still cannot believe I went two weeks not showering, pooping outside and sleeping in a communal bed with 3 other boys.

I drank too much coffee again today. Considering my frail heart and hypochondriac-ism, a heart attack is imminent. How are you all today? More importantly, how much can I pay one of you to write me an excellent paper for my English class?

I am so tired (physically, mentally, emotionally) right now so I will remedy that with some mindless entertainment (read: watching some slapstick comedy). Before I do that, though, here are some quantitative figures relevant to my life-

125 - The number of DVDs I currently own (Wow!)
$12 - The amount I've spent on coffee today
154 - The number of days I have until I turn 21 (PIECE OF SHIT!)
6.5 - The number of hours I will be chronically angry tomorrow
2 - The number of days until my lens for my camera arrives
100% - Percentage of how much I hate working

Good day.

On Being Chronically Angry at Work

Dear Readers,

Currently Listening To
Pavement- Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain

How many times do I have to tell you that I need to find a new job? Liz is telling me that I should turn in a cover letter/resume at her place of business. Perhaps I will do that. Before I get into any further digressions, this is my horoscope from the Seattle Weekly. I feel that this is very fitting for me these days but I'm usually just a big shit talker year-round. Have I been offensive these past couple of weeks? I promise it was warranted if I was offensive.

(On a side note, you should really ask Liz to post her horoscope up. It is ridiculously accurate and amazing. )

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Ooh, snarky! Your silver tongue has taken on a surprisingly sharp edge of late. Usually you don't like to risk offending people to this degree, but I guess the pressure just built up to intolerable levels, and you had to let people have it, come what may. Personally, I like it. But this shift in your dynamic might require more attitude adjustment than some of your friends are capable of. They're used to the nonconfrontational version of you, and the person who's stepped forward, willing to make enemies instead of desperate to be liked by everyone, is someone they may not recognize. There comes a time for every Libra when you have to make a choice between being liked and sticking to your guns. For some of you, that time may come this week.

This horoscope is quite odd in the sense that there are relevant tangents to my life these days, mostly in relation to how much I hate work[ing]. However, I will not place the entire blame on work. Liz and Tim are also two of the biggest shit-talkers/silver-tongued ho-bags I know.

Liz informed me of a statistic where 1 in 4 people are chronically angry at work. The reason I mention this is because I believe that I fall within this demographic -when I stop to think about it, I really am chronically angry at work. There are a lot of reasons why I'm sure you can all list a few. If you're anything like me, don't work at a corporate coffee shop unless you like being "written up" (whatever that means), being closely monitored (regardless if a boss is there or not) or wearing a uniform. Because I have such a big problem with the uniform, my resistance and solitary mutiny exists in the form of not washing my uniform for months at a time. At work today, being chronically angry, my coworker asked me if I farted. I didn't but I'm sure my uniform, which hasn't been washed in weeks, emits a fart-like aroma. There has not been an intervention so far but I am sure it is coming. Perhaps I will throw trash on myself on purpose. Am I trying to get myself fired?

I wonder if I will still be the same type of person if I am actually happy with my job. I think some of my best material is a direct product of my chronic anger and frustrations. I think that, in retrospect, life is more interesting and worthwhile when you've gone through some tough times. In times of an impending economic recession, isn't it more conversationally appropriate to be self deprecating? What the hell am I talking about?

Ultimately, all I'm trying to say is that being bitter and depressed at work is not worth the minimum wage, shitty tips and cleaning poop off the toilet seat so I need a better job. I also need to find a better job so that I can invest in sweet Air Force 1's.

I am actually really tired so, as much as I want to write, I do not have the energy to continue. But, for precedent's sake, a list of things I wish I could be excused from-
1. Work
2. Chinese, Anthropology
3. Writing this English paper
4. Paying bills
5. Time constraints

Goodnight everyone. This was pointless. I wish I could see who reads this. I need an evaluation- questions, comments, suggestions?

--

Oh jeez, I tried. It's been too long. I'm sorry but I have to do this-

ENGLISH TEACHER OMG LSDJG!!fSGLKJSGSJLJGM#)@JF so cute.

If you didn't understand that, that was basically my feelings for him materialized in an undecipherable and unrelated string of letters and symbols. I am a poet.

On Copying Other People

Dear Readers,

I realize that it is 2:30 in the morning but I have to ask- Where the hell does one buy all white Nike Air Force One's?

I'll get back to life later.

On Drinking Too Much Coffee

Dear Readers (I'm determined, Tim. Give me a free pass?),

I had a lot of coffee today. Maybe I'm unconsciously substituting this for eating food since I food is more expensive and makes me sleepy and unmotivated. Maybe it's not unconscious. I don't know. I think I should stop making excuses for everything.

The weekend is here and I am looking forward to several things. Tomorrow is National Record Store Day and I plan on celebrating it by, what do you know, supporting my local record store and buying some music. I have some things in mind but we all know that the fun in going to a record store is finding hidden gems. Later in the afternoon, I'm going to Olympia to see a Moonstruck show. This will be fun because I get to witness the super group in its entirety.

I work on Sunday but that isn't anything special. I also have a paper to write, 80 pages of Whitman to read and a Chinese test to study for. I guess the extent of my exciting weekend will reside in tomorrow's festivities. Perhaps I can look forward to drinking a lot of coffee again on Sunday. It all depends on if I'm good and if I haven't exhausted my funds.

The weather sucks and I'm not really motivated to think of anything interesting to write (well I can think of one thing but I've exploited that too much, can you guys guess what it is?). So instead, as I've been doing for the last three entries, I will list things. Today's edition will be my [ambitious] plans for the summer. I doubt I'll be able to accomplish any of these as I am a lazy bitch and poor.

What I'd like to do this summer:
1. San Francisco, CA
2. Austin, TX
3. Capitol Hill Block Party/Sub Pop thing
4. 3rd Year Intensive Chinese
5. Ride my bike
6. Olympic Peninsula
7. Turn Javen, my 8 year old nephew, into a hipster
8. Do the whole "island" thing on Guam (i.e. swim, barbecue, fish, tuba)

Did you guys forget that I'm from Guam or what? Since the weather is pretty shitty for this time of the year, its hard not to be homesick for the perpetual 85 degree weather of Guam/home. I just missing wearing short shorts (even if it involves me getting yelled at by my mom/stepdad for looking "cheap")-

And, since being nostalgic doesn't stop at missing home, this is a picture of me and the bros when I was in China celebrating my birthday at Beijing's fake Disney. It was the best birthday ever! Ask me about it sometime.

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

I think this is cute and funny. I love cats! OMG!

On Spending A Nice Afternoon At Home

Although I am still seeing life through a cold/flu filtered lens, I spent my afternoon in a very satisfying way. Attending both my classes (which, considering my sickness, is a milestone), I went to my dentist appointment where I learned that coming this June 14, I will have all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. While this doesn't appear to be satisfying now (as any type of surgical procedure, needles and blood make me very uncomfortable), I am looking forward to not having these ridiculous wisdom tooth related headaches. That and I get to have painkillers...not like I'm into that or anything.

For the first time in a long time, I made myself lunch. It was simple: grilled cheese and tomato soup and some oranges on the side. Lunch at home was very therapeutic, it was also one of those moments where I felt like I was an adult. I sat at the dining room table (for once), read the new Stranger and listened to music. I remember when I was a kid, I used to hate having dinner at the table because it would take me away from watching TV and also was a regulated time for lecturing. I remember thinking that when I "grew up" I could eat wherever, whatever and whenever I wanted. Unspecified variables are always key as children. Why is it that we are so liberal when we are kids?

The value of sitting at the dining room table has become more illuminated to me as I am now older and wiser, not quite "grown up" but getting there. I think I need a fixed salary and a pet/child to qualify for that status. With the amount of stress and chaos that occurs everywhere else, it is important to sit down and relax and remove oneself in order to regain composure. I thought I was going to sleep my sickness away after lunch but instead I did the dishes, vacuumed (finally!) and spent 3 hours at Victrola doing homework and drinking coffee, which I hadn't had in a day. I hope that I can start some kind of habit.

In an hour or so, the bros and I will be seeing the Dirty Projectors. I'm really excited about this because I haven't seen them in a while. Also, after last week's disaster, I am ready to have some fun. I have also been a little too preoccupied being preoccupied with my English teacher. Who's to say that isn't important, though? I really hope he doesn't discover this.

Anyway, final thoughts for this post:
1. Tim and Liz need to step up with their "writing"
2. I have the biggest crush/in love with my English teacher
3. I drank too much coffee
4. I need a new job. Did you think I was kidding when I said that last?

"There is something terrible in my eye!"

(Dusten suggested that I should begin each post with "Dear Reader" so, just to mix things up, I will do so for a limited time depending on reader response. How do you like to be integrated into my posts?)

Dear Reader,

Did I mention that I have the biggest crush on my English teacher? Liz had the wonderful opportunity of witnessing his glory after Chinese class today as we were walking to Solstice. He said hi to me and my world was turned upside down. It's just too bad I can't impress him with powerful, critical or creative analysis of the material we read. As much as I'd like to, I don't have the capacity to do so because I am too preoccupied worshiping his beauty. I was reminding Liz of the time when registering for Spring quarter was upon us and how I said that I absolutely needed to take this English class with the boy teacher because of some undetermined force. If this isn't destiny, I don't know what is.

So it's official, I'm sick. I'm cold, shifty eyed (not on purpose), frail and sniffly. Maybe its because I grew up with Catholic values but I have to question what I've done as a person to deserve getting sick. Maybe I should stop drinking unfiltered water.

If there is anything I remember from taking Business Calculus or Statistics or some bullshit math class, its that after a number of tests that we take of a random sample, the outcome will become closer and closer to the desired number, depending on how many trials were taken. Applying this theory to real life with Liz and I as test samples, in terms of our outfits matching, we reached about 60%- Jacket, mustard yellow sweater, red flannel. While she was embarrassed by this, I found this quite entertaining. Soon enough, with chance by our sides, we will be 100% there. Now that, my friends, is destiny, regardless if Liz likes it or not. We are gay men.

I'm sick, tired and cranky so I will list what is disappointing me:
1. Dusten is leaving for 10 days. He gets to hug/molest pandas.
2. I am sick. It is almost 1 am and I need to shower.
3. Shinka Teas is apparently a shitty place to work so I probably won't work there. Why don't you guys get me a job?
4. My camera won't come in until next Thursday which is bullshit.
5. I don't want to go to school. Ever.

On Having an Exhausted Body

"Discipline, on the other hand, arranges a positive economy; it poses the principle of a theoretically ever-growing use of time: exhaustion rather than use; it is a question of extracting, from time, ever more available moments and, from each moment, ever more useful forces. This means that one must seek to intensify the use of the slightest moment, as if time, in its very fragmentation, were inexhaustible as if, at least by an ever more detailed internal arrangement, one could tend towards an ideal point at which one maintained maximum speed and maximum efficiency." -Foucault in "Docile Bodies" from his book Discipline and Punish: The Birth of the Prison.

I quote Foucault not only to appear as a pretentious asshole but also because 1. we are reading him in my Anthropology class and 2. I feel that it explains my current status. I think we can all relate to this. Do you feel that you are pressured to take on more responsibilities? Do you feel that you have to constantly compete with people? Do you feel that society values those who are productive and tags those who are otherwise as "lazy" and "unmotivated"? Maybe its just me. If that is the case then I'm just a huge douche bag.

A telltale indication of an impending sickness is waking up with a sore throat. If I had a rough weekend full of eating large amounts of crunchy foods, screaming or throwing up, this wouldn't be too surprising. However, my weekend did not comprise of any of these things. In fact, it involved a lot of working, sleeping, dreading work and worrying about whether or not I would get enough sleep. I would factor in the party I briefly attended but that would just throw the curve off. I need to maintain the dramatic value of these things, you know.

Big news to come out of this weekend though: I got a new job working at Shinka Teas in Capitol Hill. While I've been told that it may potentially, for lack of a better word, suck, I feel that it is a step up from working at SBC. Since I am a spineless pushover, I won't be quitting SBC just yet. I don't really want to talk about it. Just let me live.

I feel like I could write about anything right now. The sky is the limit with these things and I'm usually one for exploiting length but nothing really profound comes to mind. I guess this means that I will talk about petty problems.

People say that studying abroad is one of the best things you can do as a student. You learn a lot, gain new perspective, meet wonderful people and have firsthand experience of a different culture. Then, if they had the opportunity of studying abroad, they will talk about how they grew as a person, citing several occasions on how it was demonstrated. I won't disagree with this because I feel that it is true. But while many people will talk about identity formation or hating the States, a hot topic that I like to address is how I have grown in the literal sense.

I've grown two pants sizes since August of last year. This is news to me because my history with growing has occurred at a staggering pace. I still don't think I need a bra. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about "being a big girl". One on hand, people don't have to accuse me of being anorexic because that is dated material. On the other hand, I am outgrowing my pants at a rapid pace that I may have to resort to wearing spandex or sweatpants (spandex on special occasions) in the near future because I am too poor to be able to afford real pants. I'll let you know how that goes.

-

I think I am in love with my English teacher only because he has all the qualities I've ever wanted for myself. For example, the spectacular facial hair, intellect, sport coats and an English degree. If only I was that girl who would make advances, regardless of jeopardizing the grade, his job or my pride. Just kidding, I would never do that to Grandpa. I could do with some facial hair and sport coats though.

I should probably read for my class tomorrow. I wouldn't want to disappoint my teacher.

Before I do that though, these are some things I am looking forward to this week:
1. Getting my camera in the mail
2. Dirty Projectors on Thursday with the bros
3. Arranging an appointment for getting my wisdom teeth pulled out (yes, this is exactly what it looks like)
4. Starting the new job on Friday
5. Possibly going to Olympia on Saturday

And, for the sake of occupying more space and making lists, these are some recent purchases to my media collection:
1. Strangers with Candy Season 1
2. Dosh "Pure Trash"
3. el Guincho "Alegranza!"
4. The Big Lebowski

And, for what it's worth (since I am popular and he is into getting name dropped)-
Happy Birthday, Tim.

I'm also posting this video because I think it is funny. This is my way of embracing my people. "You know my daughter make it too"

Finally

You know how they say that we should nurture our interests? Well, I did just that and invested a month and a half's work of paychecks to buy me this camera. There are two things that will come out of this investment: 1. I will be scolded/lectured by my mother about how I am living beyond my means (and I am but that is another discussion) and 2. I am self initiating myself to that group of hip young photographers. I actually just want to take pictures of inspirational sunsets, bodies of water or birds and superimpose inspirational quotes that will guide our lives. However, I don't think that would work well because I don't really know what is going on with my life. I need to change some things.

Before you ask about how much I spent on this camera or how much one of my average paychecks is, let us remind ourselves that we should inspire ourselves to do great things! Actually, just don't ask. I'm sensitive/going through a lot/depressed/a mess and poor now.

--

I have work at 6:15 tomorrow morning so this shouldn't be happening.

On being emotional

I always considered myself to be an emotional person. Ask anyone I know and they will definitely agree. I will also admit that I cry a lot. When it comes to saying goodbye, war movies, being tired or having panic attacks due to not having enough time, for example, it is almost guaranteed that I will cry. With the amount of crying I do, I feel that the tears that I produce are now losing its effect. I promise they aren't crocodile tears. I'm just emotional.

Today, I found out that one of our cafe's daily regulars, Punchy, passed away last night. It was only this Tuesday that I found out that he was really sick. Vanity was talking to him and found out that he had a kidney infection and that in 6 months time, he was going to go back home to Alaska to, quite simply, die. As soon as I started work today, Calvin (another regular) told us that he had passed away last night. While my normal response would have been to cry, this time was different, it wasn't the petty stress of time management, it was permanent. Punchy passed away and I saw him just two days ago.

After working at the cafe for so long, all the daily tasks have already ingrained themselves into my subconscious. Work is a reflex, a choreographed event that I've rehearsed countless times. The regulars were part of this event. They were static beings. I knew their drinks, their crowd and the time of the day they would come in. They held the door open for me when I would throw trash in, let me in through the back door and asked how school was.

I didn't really have a close relationship with Punchy as I do with the other regulars. He would come in, order a small coffee or chocolate milk and then sit at one of the tables and watch people. I never really talked to him aside from taking his order, because he was always so shy and I, being a shy person myself, did not want to intrude. He and Levi -another regular- were buddies. I usually see them just people-watching together as our cafe is known for its prime people-watching location. I often wonder where their families are or what they do when they leave the cafe. While I wasn't close to Punchy, he was still a fixed character in the social setting of the cafe. Who will people watch with Levi now? It breaks my heart knowing that he won't come in anymore. He was the only regular who bought chocolate milk.

I feel that Punchy passing away struck closer to home for me because I thought of my own father who has also established himself as a regular where he lives. He lives a fairly simple life: he teaches on the weekdays, attends church on Sundays, goes to the neighborhood drug store for his needs and reads books at Barnes & Nobles when he has free time. He drinks decaf coffee, buys organic and walks as his method of exercise. Every time I talk to him, which is usually on Sundays, he is usually eager to hear about what is going on in my life. I am extremely thankful that my father is healthy and is continuing to exercise both his body and mind. However, while my dad seems to be content with his life, he is getting older (it is his birthday this weekend). I don't even want to think about what is associated with that.

So now what?

My condolences go out to Punchy's family and friends. He's in a better place now.

I didn't mean to post consecutive posts on sad things but I guess I am sticking with the theme of me "going through a lot". Have a good weekend.

Inauguration

Throughout life's journey, the one constant thing, in essence, is personal growth and identity formation. In terms of my life on the internet, considering the number of "blogs" I've had (I believe the count is at four), I've learned that I basically suck when it comes to maintaining one. Apparently, my trend is following the trend- I follow the internet migrations of my demographic (Friendster-Myspace-Facebook-Xanga-Livejournal) in order to keep up with the scene. For someone who seeks stability, the promiscuous relationship I've had with using and abusing "blogs" doesn't really help my cause. I'd like to see this journey into the rabbit hole illustrated through the messy trail of blog providers as a test to see who is a die-hard Frances fan. Am I that interesting? I'd like to think so. Let's see how this one works out.

First of all, I'd like to thank Liz for reviving the blogger in me. If I ever make it big, I will consider giving her royalties. She is alright.

As an inaugural post, and perhaps a sample of what I am able to provide to you potential subscribed readers, I thought it would be interesting to provide some excerpts of posts that I've written around this same time (April/Spring) over the past 5 years of my life that. If I commit to the guidelines of writing a strong essay and adapting it as a life skill, the purpose of this is to provide my readers with some insight into my life. Extrapolated to a larger scale, I intend to make the reader look introspectively on their own lives and possibly ask questions, make revisions or pursue some life changes. I also want to convince you readers to stick around! There is nothing better than a small following/cult to boost your self esteem! Just don't talk to me about this in real life.

But actually I'm doing this more for me. What is more entertaining than browsing through an electronic archive of your life in the last 5+ years? I guess there are a lot more things exciting than that but I'm just emotional. And I need writing material. If I was ever an editor of a publication, I would exploit old material for upcoming editions because 1) I'm not innovative and 2) I am also very lazy.

April 15, 2003
(I guess I was into this kind of shit)

Disorder Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: Moderate Antisocial: Low Borderline: Low Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

That is interesting. Life was simple back then, regardless of teenage angst and being away from family/home. I'm pretty sure my life now encompasses all those disorders.

April 07, 2004
(On buying Tenoch, my old cat, new catnip)

I think it's some high end brand name cat nip. Anyhow, once we got home we had to take several trips back to the car because we had too much stuff. We dropped off one load (of groceries and such, silly) and went back down for another. When we came back, Tenoch opened the cat nip -after digging for it in the plastic bag- tore it open with her mouth, and got high on this Cosmic Catnip. She was literally rolling around in it. She wasn't affected by catnip before so this catnip we bought must be the good stuff. I hope we don't have to send her to kitty rehab. or a period of time in the night she seemed a lot more paranoid than she really is. She was high. Oh yeah, when I picked up the bag, I think she was drooling when she was trying to open it.

April 05, 2005
Practicing values of community that will help us in the future (or just for kicks, maybe), our math teacher puts our desks in groups of four. I have that class as my first period so when I get there, I'm usually still in a state of being half asleep. To remedy this, I tend to subconciously stretch my legs only to find out -in mid stretch- that I'm kicking my groupmate. At this point, I try to figure out a way to react: a. I pretend like it never happened, retreat to my normal position b. make eye contact, smile awkwardly and say "sorry"/witty comment and stretch my legs elsewhere or c. keep stretching, leading the groupmate to believe that I'm trying to feel him/her up or oblivious to what is happening. My choice changes with the season, and the intensity of the need to stretch.

This was posted for the sake of an update.

PS. My prom is at the top of the Space Needle.

April 02, 2006
Finishing my writing credits in one quarter sure has made me cocky. It's almost 11 and the prospect of a finished paper is beyond the horizon. I miss high school and its leniency, or at least having the option of being "excused" for missing a day. However, since it is college, I've learned to compromise sleep for MySpace and short intervals of intensive writing. These are key things for the real world, I shit you not.

And it's only natural that I can't start a paper until I've finished posting. This system that I've subconsciously assimilated to doesn't work very well, especially when the end of daylight savings time is put into effect. The worst part is that I'm aware of this problem and I really can't get started on my paper. WOW, I'm sick of posting the exact same old complaints. SO, I will move on.

My brother suggested that I move in with Vanity when she comes this summer. After careful consideration, I'm beginning to see the reality of it. Living in the dorms didn't meet my expectations/satisfaction so hopefully by moving in with Vanity, I'll be able to make up for lost time. I seem to do this [make up for lost time] with a relation to Guam, maybe this is a sign. Anyway, I'm excited for this upcoming summer because of several reasons: 1. I will be driving across the country with Eamon to New Orleans, 2. I'll be going back to Guam and 3. okay, I guess there are only two reasons for my anticipation.

In my educational experience, I've always felt self conscious about what I highlighted on a page and having other people read it. Just to be safe, I tend to highlight more than necessary and I don't feel right if nothing on a page is highlighted. But at the same time, I feel pretentious when too much on a page is highlighted. Why I think about these standards while actually highlighting is probably detrimental to the actual purpose of it and my learning so in this proclamation, I probably discovered the reason why I didn't do so well last quarter. They were read-heavy classes.

I also have to wonder why I'm writing about highlighting pages when I have a paper due in hours. Dangit.

Friday, May 04, 2007

and i think of demons hiding in the trees I always considered myself to be a good student. I would listen in class, do the homework, and do well/average on quizzes and tests. While most of the time the element of interest or material absorption wasn't there, I still managed to get by with a good grade. It's been said that college is an entirely different story. While it may be a personal goal to contradict this, I'm afraid that I am part of the statistic. It took me almost two years to come to terms with it but college is hard. It's not about reading the chapter and answering the questions at the end. There are things like "applying concepts" and "manipulating the information" now. When it comes to tests and quizzes, my ambition is to be average (at least with these prerequisite-filtering out classes). How do other people do it? Should I look into narcotics? The vision of me as a good student is now blurred. I still listen in class and do the homework but when it comes to taking quizzes and tests, I'm not exactly sure what happens. I've been continually becoming discouraged about my academic career and future. I really want to get into the Business School but I feel like my mediocre grades won't make the cut. It doesn't exactly help that there are no extracurricular activities in my name to speak of either. I'm banking on the fact that learning Chinese, going to China and doing excellent on the writing assesment will give my application some light. However, other than that, as I've mentioned, there isn't much to look at when it comes to me. Oh well. Other than the fact that I suck, I make Eamon's life suck because I am a stupid girlfriend. Let's not even talk about Gus' life. How's this for an update.

----

And then it was 2008.

I was on the bus going back home the other day and I saw a little girl in a car in a parking lot sticking her body outside of the window (I feel that this description doesn't sound right). I was concerned that this little dude was going to fall out. And, probably due to the social construct of childhood innocence and purity and them having all the opportunity in the world, no one would want a child to be hurt. Yet, despite all the possibilities of hurting herself, she was confident in her balancing skills. Me, on the other hand, had to question the parents- Where the hell were they? Why would they allow her to put herself in danger? Who the hell does this kid think she is?

The beauty of having an accessible archive -similar to a time capsule- where I've pretty much documented the happenings of my life for the past 5 years is having concrete evidence of how I felt at a certain period time in my life. Growing up, we are so sure-footed about our outlook on life. Just like the child hanging outside her car and un-fazed by the prospect of falling, I had my life figured out at 16 years old: I hated Seattle, I loved spending months at a time on Guam and I was going to be an environmental health/social work major.

Lacking the experience of the realities of the world (or guarded by the protective watch of a mother), a child feels indestructible. You are okay with hanging outside the window or jumping on the couch because your body has yet to disappoint you. However, once you fall into that glass table, as I did by jumping on the couch, you immediately become more skeptical about the next time you consider jumping on the couch. Life isn't so black and white after that. Life lacks that same balancing confidence you had as a child. I feel like I've fallen into the glass table many times so much that I have to second guess everything I do.

Whatever happened to Environmental Health? While the results of my Business School application are still pending, I wonder about the possibilities of an English degree (Chinese is already given variable, at this point). I learned that, with my record of doing well in English classes -I'm currently on my 6th class- I could've qualified for the Honors program. I could've been somebody! On the other hand, while I would have this "practical, flexible and useful" Business Administration degree, I would be a mediocre student at best. I could really use some of that childhood confidence.

Well, I feel like I've lost myself trying to explain how I related this little girl in the car and how that relates to growing up. One thing that I really enjoy doing when writing blogs is not really thoroughly explaining myself. I could bullshit and say that I want to inspire you to create your own ending but why would I want to lie to myself?

I don't have any objectives or goals for you, as a reader, by reading this blog. It's really just bullshit and I'd rather not do homework. Oh well.

Let me know how I did this time around.