December 13, 2006It's the eve of my last final for Fall quarter. It's unfortunate to say that the margin between doing very well and poorly is quite small depending on the material my professor decides to test us on. In my defense, it's not very easy, nor is it encouraging, to condense 700 years of world history into a weekend of studying. At the same time, I am still recovering from stuying for my Chinese exam. It's too bad that my method for memorizing chinese characters isn't the same for world events that happened in the 13th-20th century unless I can find a way to create humorous mneumonics/emoticon-type faces and attach them to significant revolutions.
Last Saturday, I had two finals that occurred within 5 hours of eachother. In midst of the rotating depression, fatigue, confusion and frustration, I had to stop and wonder what my purpose of being at the University was. Did I really want to routinely go throuh the mental anguish and abuse that college offered? At that point, I decided that living on a farm and producing as many children as possible didn't sound so bad. My purpose would be clear cut and I didn't have to worry about grade point averages, resumes or student loans. Even by thinking this I have set the feminist movement thousands of years back but its perfectly natural to wonder why, these days, we're confined to the social pressures of following a linear path that leads to happiness and success. Whatever happened to being content as a housewife?
Naturally, after getting the finals over and done with and the mental recovery thereafter, I decided to half-take back what I thought. Although I like the idea of pursuing my biological destiny, having the opportunity to create and experience things is a part of personal development, essentially meaning that we should be enjoying life. I'm guessing the "enjoy" part of final exams comes in the rewarding period after it. Besides, as far as I've heard, bearing children isn't exactly fun and games. And who knows what happens when things go wrong with the farm.
While I feel like the only thing I excell at in college is mediocrity, the list of things I could prospectively be good at is becoming more defined. It's not quite international studies, math, economics or science but at least I'm getting there.
I used to also be so conscious:
August 1, 2006A lot of the time, I've become so consumed in my material world that I forget to remember and acknowledge the simple things that we all take for granted. A home we can call our own, a refrigerator full of food, running water, power, and all other "basic" amenities (i.e. cellphones, cable, airconditioning, Jack In The Box) that aren't essential to our natural survival are credited to my lifestyle. With those things alone, Ive already made it better than more than half the world population. Blinded and conformed to the vision of the Western life, Ive assumed the identity of a hoarding consumer in search for bigger, better, shinier material objects that act as ornaments instead of truly investing in my well-being.
Ill admit it: I like stuff and I wish I had more of it. I often dream of becoming the owner of the most up to date useless paraphernalia that wont promise better grades (This was once a personal tactic for my parents to buy me things) or reason with myself that, since it was "insert season here", I deserve to indulge in the latest trend. It was okay to me because everyone else was moving forward in technology so it was virtually necessary for me to buy things. It is in the same league as running water or shelter; I needed stuff to survive in the city.
I come back to Guam every year since I moved to Seattle in 2002 and each time that Ive been back, it becomes apparent to me that Ive lost some part of the Guam in me. Living in Seattle, Ive become so absorbed in fitting in that Ive forgotten where my family came from and I eventually feel like Im some kind of urban impostor when I come home. My family isnt rich and we werent bred to believe so. Both my parents came from humble beginnings. My mom was raised in a small province with ten brothers and sisters so opportunity, as you can imagine, wasnt always readily available. My grandfather worked as a farmer in a town where if you were born a farmer, it was more than likely you would die a farmer. He worked to feed his family from the land that he didnt own and if it werent for recruitment by the American military, we would have never made it to Guam to pursue the American dream.
Struggle is a recurring theme in my family, as many immigrant families can relate. Although we may not embody the rags to riches ideal, weve accomplished a lot for a family who has roots in third world poverty. What I resent the most is the fact that I gave myself the impression that I can bypass all struggle and believe that I could go through life without having to lift a finger. In my eighteen years on this earth, Ive witnessed my family go through an entire theme park (as opposed to the lone rollercoaster) of struggle manifested through sickness, financial need, unexpected pregnancies and the ongoing household instability. Despite all this, look where we are now: I attend a nationally recognized university, my brother is doing the work he loves, my sister has a loving family and my parents (Uncle Chris included) have the safety net of support, reassurance and direction they were once in search of.
With this as my legacy, it isnt right for me to think that I can automatically assume the metropolitan life without regarding my familys history. It is practically my duty to use the life skills and experiences weve witnessed as a whole and using it to bring the family name to a higher level. Although looking cool and having all the right gadgets may in one way or the other seem necessary, I have to stop and think about who I am and where I came from instead of taking into account how others perceive me (and Im pretty sure this will take a while). My parents have provided me a better life that wasnt intended to exploit their hard work through clothes or knickknacks but to encourage me to work towards an even better life. I wrote this with the intention to show the negligible effect of materialism on my life/outlook on life, which is almost like a calling towards you all. Im not one to quote but Im sure you can all put this to good use, If a man cares not for his roots, how then can he care for his branches
I was also very whiny:
July 12, 2006Sitting two rows from the end of the plane, I've come to clearly see, in my extremely fatigued and uncomfortable state, the worsening condition of air travel. Apparently, $1200 isn't enough to get proper service. In this day and age with constantly improving technology and material sciences, one would imagine that flying would be a reasonably comfortable mode of transportation but I guess with today's oil prices, they have to cut down on peanuts/salty alternative. Actually I just hate Northwest now.
In the duration of plane ride 1 of 2, the plane lost power twice while taxiing, my foot has been hit by the beverage cart, peanuts/pretzels weren't free, I stood on people's pee in the bathroom, my chair was constantly being kicked by a little baby (which cried half the time, btw)... so basically, I feel like I'm not getting the type of service, or at least security, that I/my mom paid good money for. We even had to search for our own pillow and blanket. Only halfway through my travel time, I am beginning to hate flying more and more.
Im really bitter about this experience because the flight to my first connection is usually my designated time to sulk and cry because of how much I miss everyone already in Seattle. Instead, my chair is being vibrated by a small child and I want to punch this child's face.
I'm in Hawaii now and I don't leave for another two hours which gives me time to do absolutely nothing.
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